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π OFFICIAL CAMPAIGN ADDRESS π
FOR THE POSITION OF
KEY OF TRAIL SOCIAL
Presented by Candidate
FREAKY TYSON
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πFREAKY TYSONπ
πFREAKY TYSONπ
πFREAKY TYSONπ
π’ Opening Statement π’
HELLO EVERYONE, MY NAME IS FREAKY TYSON. TODAY, AFTER A GREAT DEAL OF DELIBERATION, HESITATION, AND YES, MASTURBATION (MENTAL), I HAVE DECIDED TO RUN FOR THE POSITION OF KEY OF TRAIL SOCIAL.
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NOW, YOU MAY BE WONDERING: WHY WOULD I, AN EROTIC GOD OF ABSURDIST CHAOS, CONDIMENT PROPHET, AND CREATIVE-DIRECTOR OF THE STERN-SILVER CINEMATIC UNIVERSE BE INTERESTED IN SUCH A POSITION? EVEN IF I AM THE BEST CANDIDATE, DON'T I ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH ON MY PLATE?
AND TO THAT, I SAY:
NO.
JUST AS THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR MORE MAYONNAISE INSIDE OF SOMEONES BODY, THERE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH ROOM IN A GOD'S SCHEDULE TO RULE OVER HIS MOST CHERISHED PEOPLE, THE PEOPLE WHO TOOK ME OFF THE STREETS, TOLERATED MY VARIOUS ECCENTRICITIES, AND HELPED ME BECOME A BELOVED CORNERSTONE OF THE VAST AND EVER-CHANGING LANDSCAPE OF THE TRAIL SOCIAL CLAN CHAT!
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NOW, BY THIS POINT, I AM SURE MOST OF YOU ARE COMPLETELY SOLD. MY REPUTATION, COMBINED WITH THE INCREDIBLE BRAVADO I AM DISPLAYING IN THIS ANNOUNCEMENT ADDRESS WILL BE SUFFICIENT FOR YOU TO CAST YOUR VOTE FOR ME AT THE BALLOT BOXES TOMORROW. BUT WHAT IF IT IS NOT? WHAT IF YOU ARE SEEKING ACTUAL REASONS FOR WHY I AM THE BEST POSSIBLE CANDIDATE FOR THE JOB? TO THOSE DISCERNING INDIVIDUALS: HERE IS A DETAILED LIST OF ALL OF THE REASONS YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME, AS WELL AS MY VARIOUS POLICY POSITIONS MIXED IN FOR GOOD MEASURE!
π― THE REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR FREAKY TYSON π―
1: I AM A PERFECT BEING WITHOUT BIAS
WHILE LISTENING TO THE VOICES IN MY HEAD, I HEARD ONE SAY THAT A POSSIBLE REASON FOR NOT VOTING FOR ME COULD BE THE IDEA THAT I AM SIMPLY LIVING IN MY OWN LITTLE WORLD, AND THAT MY MAIN INTERESTS, WHICH ARE MAYONNAISE, NBA BENCHWARMERS, AND CRIME BOSS ROCKAY CITY, MAKE ME INCAPABLE OF PROPERLY REPRESENTING THE COMMON FISH, GNOME, OR HELLCAT. HOWEVER, ANOTHER VOICE IMMEDIATELY STABBED THAT VOICE WITH A PIECE OF GLASS FROM A SHATTERED JAR OF MAYONNAISE (DON'T WORRY IT GOT SCOOPED BACK UP) AND CALLED HIM A MIDWIT. HE DIED BEFORE HE COULD REACH THE OPERATING TABLE.
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AND HE WAS RIGHT TO DO THAT, BECAUSE IT IS IN FACT MY TOTAL INDEPENDENCE FROM THE SYSTEM THAT MAKES ME THE MOST CAPABLE OF RULING OVER YOU. AND NOT JUST RULING OVER YOU IN THE TRADITIONAL, FORCEFUL MANNER THAT A GOD RULES OVER THEIR FOLLOWERS, BUT IN A GENTLE, NURTURING, AND CARING MANNER AS WELL!
π PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILING π
DETAILED ANALYSIS: COMPLETE β
THROUGHOUT MY TIME IN THIS CLAN, IN BETWEEN MY CONDIMENT PROPHET SERMONS, I HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO DEVELOP DETAILED PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILES ON EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! AND IT IS THROUGH THE USE OF THESE PROFILES THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO PROVIDE THE ENTIRE CLAN WITH BEST-IN-CLASS SERVICES IN THE FIELDS OF OBJECTIVE ARBITRATION AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION. INDEED, IT IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION TO SAY THAT UNDER MY RULE, PROBLEMS WILL BE A THING OF THE PAST!
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2: ONLY A GOD IS WORTHY OF THIS POSITION
LOOK, DON'T GET ME WRONG. I LOVE HUMANITY. WITHOUT HUMANITY, THERE IS NO MAYONNAISE, IT NEVER WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN INVENTED, NEITHER WOULD NBA BENCHWARMERS, MINDSEYE (A LESLIE BENZIES JOINT), OR YES, EVEN OLD SCHOOL RUNESCAPE, THE GAME THAT YOU ALL LOVE SO MUCH!
β οΈ BUT WITH THAT BEING SAID β οΈ
THE ROLE OF KEY IN TRAIL SOCIAL IS NOT ONE FIT FOR A HUMAN. THE REASON FOR THIS CAN BE SUMMED UP IN ONE WORD: RETROMINGENT.
NOW, I LOVE RETROMINGENT DEARLY, AND WITH ALL OF MY HEART TO BOOT, BUT IF I WERE TO DESCRIBE HIM LIKE I WOULD A PROMISING NBA DRAFT PROSPECT, I WOULD SAY THAT HIS STYLE OF PLAY MOST RESEMBLES THAT OF EMPEROR NERO (W/ BATH SALTS ENHANCEMENT).
SIMPLY PUT, HE IS A FORCE OF NATURE, MUCH LIKE THE WEATHER. AND SADLY, AS THE ENTIRE CONTINENT OF EUROPE HAS RECENTLY DEMONSTRATED, HUMANITY CAN NOT ALWAYS BE TRUSTED TO GO TOE TO TOE WITH THE WEATHER, EVEN WHEN THE ANSWER IS AS SIMPLE AS INSTALLING AN AIR CONDITIONING UNIT.
BUT REJOICE!
FOR I AM FREAKY TYSON
AND LIKE SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG BEFORE ME, I CAN SAY WITH THE UTMOST CONFIDENCE THAT THE SOLUTION TO CHAOS IS CHAOS CONTROL!", OR IN OTHER COMMONLY SPELLS, THE ABILITY TO MANIPULATE THE FABRIC OF SPACE AND TIME.
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LUCKILY FOR YOU ALL,
I KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!
WITH ME AS YOUR KEY, IF RETROMINGENT PERFORMS AN ACTION WHICH ULTIMATELY LEADS TO THE TOTAL AND COMPLETE DESTRUCTION OF THE CLAN, THEN HAVE NO FEAR! I WILL SIMPLY TURN BACK TIME TO A POINT BEFORE THAT ACTION HAPPENED, AND ENSURE THAT HISTORY INSTEAD TRAVELS A NEW, MORE FRUITFUL, AND EVOLUTIONARILY ADVANTAGEOUS PATH!
YOU HEARD ME RIGHT!
THROUGH MY ASCENSION,
TRAIL SOCIAL'S IMMORTALITY IS ASSURED!
TRAIL SOCIAL'S IMMORTALITY IS ASSURED!
3. NO MORE KEYS
π₯ NOW THIS ONE'S A CURVE BALL! π₯
HOW AND WHY WOULD SOMEONE RUNNING FOR THE POSITION OF KEY PROMISE THE ELIMINATION OF THE VERY POSITION THEY ARE RUNNING FOR?
FIRST, LET ME EXPLAIN THE WHY. MUCH LIKE I HATE MIRACLE WHIP FOR ITS CORRUPTING INFLUENCE UPON SOCIETY AT LARGE, I HATE THE POSITION OF KEY FOR ITS CORRUPTING INFLUENCE UPON THE SOULS WHO HAVE ACCEPTED ITS "GIFT".
FOR YOU SEE,
WHAT DOES A KEY REPRESENT?
IT REPRESENTS A TOOL, A TOOL THAT WHEN USED OPENS UP A DOOR TO A NEW REALITY WHICH WAS NOT PREVIOUSLY AVAILABLE TO YOU. AN ENTICING PROPOSITION TO BE SURE, BUT IN PRACTICE, WHAT IS REALLY BEHIND THAT DOOR ONCE IT IS OPENED?
SUFFERING!
IMMENSE PSYCHOLOGICAL SUFFERING!
THE METHOD BY WHICH THIS SUFFERING IS ACHIEVED VARIES, FOR SOME, IT IS THROUGH BEING CORRUPTED BY POWER. FOR OTHERS, IT IS THE PAIN OF RESPONSIBILITY AND OBLIGATION TO AN ENTITY THAT OPERATES IN A MANNER OUT OF THEIR CONTROL. IN ANY CASE, I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH.
KEYS ARE EVIL.
THEY MUST GO,
BUT HOW?
UPON BEING ELECTED, I WILL TAKE EVERY SINGLE SILVER KEY, AND SHOVE THEM INTO MY ICONIC JAR OF MAYONNAISE, AND THEN SCREW THE LID ON VERY TIGHTLY. SO TIGHTLY, IN FACT, THAT IT COULD NEVER, EVER BE OPENED AGAIN.
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THE SACRED MAYO JAR
Absorbing All Key Powers
I WILL THEN USE MAYO SORCERY TO ABSORB THE POWERS OF THE KEY WITHIN MY MAYO JAR, TOTALLY ELIMINATING THE ROLE OF SILVER KEY FOREVER.
(NOTE: THE GOLD KEY WILL STILL EXIST, BUT THROUGH THE POWER OF TELEKINETIC GROUPTHINK AND INTENSE BRAINWASHING, I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO MITIGATE THE IMPACT OF THIS PLOTHOLE)
4. THE FORMATION OF A MAYO COUNCIL
FOLLOWING THE DESTRUCTION OF THE KEYS, I WILL form A NEW LEADERSHIP STRUCTURE UNDER ME KNOWN AS THE "COUNCIL OF MAYO".
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THE COUNCIL OF MAYO
A New Era of Leadership
THE COUNCIL OF MAYO WILL BE ASSEMBLED FROM A PERFECTLY CURATED HAND SELECTED LIST OF LEARNED INDIVIDUALS THAT SPAN THE GAMUT OF MENTAL WELLBEING FROM "FULL CONTROL OF FACULTIES" TO "PISSING AND SHITTING THEMSELVES AT THE SIGHT OF A DISLIKED PERSON/OBJECT".
UPON BEING SELECTED, SAID INDIVIDUALS WILL BE FORCIBLY REHOUSED INTO A LUXURIOUS FULL-SERVICE DISCORD CHANNEL WHERE THEY WILL BE GROOMED FOR SERVICE IN THE EVENT THAT I MUST CONSULT WITH THEM.
THE MAYO COUNCIL WILL ALSO BE AFFORDED WITH INGAME CLAN POWERS. THE EXACT EXTENT OF WHICH WILL BE REVEALED AFTER I WIN AND ALSO AFTER I FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO ABOUT THAT.
π COUNCIL PERKS π
Luxurious Discord Channel β’ Clan Powers β’ Grooming
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5. BONUS CURRENT EVENT POLICY! NO MORE RANDOM KICKING
β οΈ IMPORTANT POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT β οΈ
PROTECTING THE CLAN FROM COLLATERAL DAMAGE
BELIEVE ME, AS A GOD OF EROTIC CHAOS, I UNDERSTAND THE PLEASURE OF CARRYING OUT WANTON DEVASTATION MORE THAN ALMOST ANYONE, SO WHEN I SAY THAT I WANT TO OUTLAW THE "PRUNING" OR MASS KICKING OF PLAYERS, I DO NOT DO SO BECAUSE I DON'T THINK IT IS AWESOME AND REALLY COOL (IT TOTALLY IS).
HOWEVER, AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT THIS, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN EVEN WE ADMINS MUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SOMETIMES, THERE IS MORE TO THIS JOB THAN USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO CARRY OUT OUR DERANGED POWER FANTASIES.
STATISTICALLY, IT IS A PROVEN FACT THAT WHEN WE GO ON THESE EPIC ORGASMIC RAMPAGES THROUGH THE MEMBERS LIST, MISTAKES CAN AND WILL BE MADE. PERFECTLY GOOD PEOPLE WILL BE REMOVED. SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE WILL BE LOST FOREVER. OTHERS WILL RETURN, BUT ONLY THROUGH GREAT PERSONAL SACRIFICE ON THEIR PART TO MAKE THEIR CASE!
WE CANNOT ALLOW THIS SUFFERING TO CONTINUE,
NO MATTER HOW GOOD IT FEELS IN THE MOMENT!
π OFFICIAL DECREE π
UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF FREAKY TYSON, WE WILL MAKE a GENUINE EFFORT TO FIND OUT WHO THE FUCK SOMEONE IS BEFORE WE KICK THEM FROM THE CLAN.
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6. THANK YOU!
TO THOSE WHO HAVE REACHED THE END OF THIS MESSAGE. I THANK YOU DEARLY.
I HAVE CRAFTED EACH AND EVERY WORD WITH THE SAME LEVEL OF CARE AND ATTENTION I WILL SHOW TO THE JAR OF MAYO I WILL GENTLY CARESS WHILE LAUGHING MANIACALLY FOLLOWING MY ELECTION VICTORY, AND IN THE WORDS OF SOMEONE MUCH WISER THAN EVEN I, I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOYED READING THEM AS MUCH AS I DID WRITING THEM.
BY FORGING THIS SCREED,
I HAVE DONE MY PART
BUT NOW THE ONUS LIES ON YOU, YES YOU! ONLY THROUGH YOUR VOTE IN THIS ELECTION MAY THESE WORDS BECOME LAW, SO GO NOW, AND BRING FORTH THE WORLD I ENVISION!
FAREWELL, MY FRIENDS!
FOR WHEN I SEE YOU AGAIN,
NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME!
NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME!
- WITH LOVE
FREAKY TYSON
π’ PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO ELECT FREAKY TYSON π’
Endorsed by: The Gag Unit β’ Stern-Silver β’ The Mayo Council (Provisional) β’ NBA Benchwarmers United β’ Crime Boss: Rockay City Fan Club β’ Leslie Benzies Appreciation Society β’ The Church of Mayonnaise
